I'm hiding.

     

My deepest apologies in advance if this upsets you in any way.

      I can't say I know the difference between a cry for help and just plain public distress. Whichever I am conveying, I wish it would cease. The only thing keeping me from doing something stupid... is the simple fact that it's stupid.

      The Internet can be a boredom buster extraordinaire, but at times it can just cause more trouble than it is worth. I was browsing sites when I came across something sickening: a site where men can collaborate on methods and share stories and ideas about beating and raping women. I don't know how long it has been up, and I don't know how long it will be, but the fact that people with brains and hearts and feelings can organize and utilize such a place on the Internet... shouldn't be true. After I closed my laptop, I simply curled up on the couch alone in my apartment and cried. Eventually my roommates returned one by one, and so I put myself together as best I could. But the thoughts brewed in my overwhelmed mind to the point where I just couldn't take it. I crept to my bedroom and continued to bawl as quietly as I could.

       I am sickened to the point of hopelessness due to the continuous building up of things like this that I see day to day. Sexism (on both sides of the spectrum), desensitization to sex and violence, loss of courtesy, decrease in personal relationships outside computer monitors, and so many other things in today's society make me just wish I wouldn't have to be here anymore. I am well aware that I have amazing potential which is now weaving into success and excitement, but it barely balances out with all of the hate and disgust I have for many aspects of our world. Yes, I said the word "hate". I use that word as sparingly as I can, and the way I feel now absolutely calls for it.

       Each sunset I live to see seems to take a little of my innocence with it. Each moment that my brain teems with thought seems to contort the beauty I used to see and feel when I was younger. I hate this. (I said it again and I meant it.) The things I have to live for are far less than the things that make me wish I was gone, but they have enough momentum in my life to keep me going. My passion for creating compelling images maintains the fire in my heart and mind. God holds me in His hands so I feel safe and belonging. I also have a few people in my life that I love. 

Love is deep, and I wish to drown in it one day. As I sink, I will look up to the surface and see the blurred sun taunting me from high above; but I will not be fazed, for I will drown in love. I will no longer choke on the dry dust above the surface, and instead my lungs will fill with love. It will pour into every part of me, and I will sink and sink to the point where nothing above can reach me.

I will drown in love.