This isn't okay.

      This is one of those posts that I feel like I should be writing in a notebook and then tucking away forever where no one else's eyes will see it, even mine. I don't want this to seem like a desperate cry for help and attention, because it's not. This is my outlet. I deal with my thoughts  and emotions by putting them out into the hands of friends and strangers because, well, that's how I like to deal with them. I make myself this publicly vulnerable because it's the extreme opposite of bottling it up inside my head and chest.

      Depression is a battle, that's a given. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", right? Well, this is killing me.

      Imagine an athlete. He wakes up in the morning for a run six days a week. He eats well, and he pushes himself. He's in the go-getter mindset that helps him stay focused and motivated mentally and physically. Finally, the day comes for him to run a marathon. He feels well prepared for this strenuous activity; he takes every ounce of pain in stride. His feet hurt and bleed, his chest feels tight and heavy, his muscles ache, but he keeps going. He has a goal. He pushes himself to the absolute limit, because he knows it will be so rewarding in the end. At times he wants to give in to the pain and slow down or even stop, but no, he keeps running. He needs to keep running.

      I am in a mental and emotional marathon right now, except I was not prepared for it and I see no finish line on the horizon. I have no goal to look forward to; I have little motivation. This is in no way a rewarding or fulfilling process. I'm getting nothing out of it but more pain and confusion. 

      I feel so much less colorful inside, like all of the vibrance I used to thrive on has just faded like a sidewalk chalk drawing on a rainy day. The worst part is I don't know what to do about it. It's not like being out of shape and then struggling to eat better and become more active -- doing something difficult to achieve something worthwhile. No, what I'm going through right now is just a struggle to stay afloat for no real reason at all other than that I have a beautiful life to live. Now when I say "beautiful", I don't mean flawless or happy. To me, anything that's beautiful has something off about it; it's not perfect, because perfection is boring. My life is beautiful because of the people in it. It's beautiful because of all of the curves it has; up and down and twists and kinks. It has thin brittle parts and wide unfaltering parts. I love it for what it is, especially because it is mine. However it does confuse me, like when my dogs constantly stare up and me and whimper to the point where I exclaim "What?! What do you want from me? Just tell me!"

Just tell me. Make me stronger. Show me a finish line.