One assignment I had in my photo arts class at RIT was to take a self-portrait on the first and last day of the 10-week term. Looking at these photos side by side is difficult because the difference behind my eyes is so obvious and intense, at least to me. Over those ten weeks, my life took a complete spiral downward -- I lost my mommy, my happiness, and my appetite.
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The photo on the left represents my wonder and excitement for what the bright and unpredictable world holds for me. I posed as to not look completely relaxed, but not on-edge either. I held a curious expression gazing up at the sunlight, indirectly facing the wind, representing my eagerness and trepidation at the same time.
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This morning I woke up at 6:30, slipped into some drab clothes topped with the sweater my mom gave me for Christmas, and took the picture on the right. I found the remains of my mom's Valentine on the table where I left them; someone had put the candies back into the heart-shaped boxes and neatly placed them in the center of the table. After opening them up, I was compelled to represent my misplaced heart with one of the heart boxes. I think my face blatantly reveals how tired and depressed I have become over the past month. I look thinner, less interested, duller. For the past week I've been scared to sleep more than three or four hours a night in fear of dreaming about her, since that's what's been happening whenever I sleep six hours or more. I sat in front of the white board with the birthday list, garbage plate poster, and Batman drawing to show how out-of-place I feel in the world, like I belong in another realm or something.
Needless to say, I think the me on the left has learned a lot. The excitement for the future has turned into reality of the twists life can take at any given second.
Baby girl, you explain the pictures so beautifully! You're beautiful and strong and you will make it through this tough time. You have all your friends and family on your side waiting to help!<3 Because we love you.
ReplyDeleteThere is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven . . .(Solomon)
ReplyDeleteThe times, they are a-changin' . . . (Bob Dylan)
I share your "out of time,out of space" feeling. Looking forward to seeing you in 2 weeks.
You are beautiful
ReplyDeleteyou have been through so much little one,Many people are hear for you, I know they have all told you so.The most comfort I believe Ican send you is this,remember
ReplyDeleteMt 28:20 " and Lo ,I am with you always, even to the end of the age,Amen"
You are going to be ok,Your journey in life may be much sadder than some, and all your thoughts/feelings are being monitored by your God, nothing is going unoticed so Jesus is on this roadtrip with you and available 24/7 as so am I and all who want to carry this weight with you, You are not alone!! We are all journeyers who have not yet had our stories completely written yet, I know my life is sweeter because you and Kayla are in it! God Bless as you continue to make sense of your loss. I leave you with:
Prov 3:5and6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on our own understanding,6. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct thy paths"